Rabbit hole

How to be funny without offending anyone

Introduction

I have always had a bit of a comedian (or a clown, depending on who you ask) in me. I genuinely love to make people laugh, especially if I can help them to relax or to momentarily forget their sadness that way.

"Being funny" comes more natural to some people than to others. This is particularly true of those who can deliver what's called "deadpan" or "dry" lines (meaning that they make the joke but don't visibly express any emotion, positive or negative, about it themselves).

However, as with all skills, "humor" isn't excluded from those who weren't born with that particular gift of talent. I firmly believe that it can be learned and improved upon.

Over the years, I have become more skilled at making people laugh with my evolving sense of humor. This came about through trial and error. It turns out though that everyone has a particular "sense of humor", and no one punchline can make every human laugh. So, to a certain degree, we have to adapt to our audiences.

Now, a joke, to be considered "funny", ought to "subvert expectations". That's Humor 101, if you will. Delivering a joke that subverts "expectations", can, however, make certain people (who simply don't like their expectations on a given topic to be "subverted") feel offended.

I want to make a side note here to state that nothing you say can """make""" people feel offended. People choose to feel offended themselves because they choose to protect their pride behind the ideas that they attach their identity to. It is a well-known psychological fact that thoughts and ideas precede feelings, not the other around. This is why anyone can learn, for example, to develop a "thick skin" (meaning, to not take offensive language personally).

However, it goes without saying that intentionally trying to offend people is never "funny". Period. Sadly, a lot of (even) professional comedians seem to be of the opinion that targeting specific individuals or groups is part of the trade. I disagree. I will say that, as a society, we ought to hold some space for the potential (the risk) of saying something offensive (not intentionally, of course). If we don't, then we can't "subvert expectations", and we can therefore, not say anything "funny". However, abusing this liberty is not what comedy is about.

I am convinced that anyone can learn to say funny jokes, without ever offending anyone, and I'm here to share some "techniques" with you, which I have learned and practiced, and are tired and true, that will make it easier for you to learn to be as funny as (or hopefully funnier than) me.

I want to note though that in this essay I'm exploring humor as it is expressed through the spoken or written word. I'm not talking about "slapstick" comedy here (which, feel free to judge me, I personally don't find very amusing... apart from Bud Spencer).

The five pillars of comedy

So, here are the five primary methods for delivering a joke, either in speaking or in writing:

Some overlap can exist between these, but let's explore each one a little bit deeper:

Exaggeration

As the definition of the word implies, when you make an exaggerated statement, you're augmenting it in some way that borders (or straight up is) a lie. Some people find exaggeration morally objectionable for that reason.

Here's an example:

"I'm so bad at cooking that I couldn't boil water if my life depended on it."

Hopefully I don't have to explain the joke to you.

Notice the format: In this example, I took an initial statement, which was augmented by an obviously exaggerated qualification. Additionally, as an easy way to make the statement sound funny, I took an example of a simple action, like that of boiling water. Simplicity almost always trumps complexity in comedy.

Here's another example:

"You can't just simply pay for an Internet subscription these days anymore. They have to shove in all other kinds of services that I don't care about, like TV channels, streaming services, data plans for your phone, a home assistant, a new fridge, a personal massage therapist, dental insurance, flood insurance, a private bus to take your kids to school... It's no wonder the cost for these subscriptions keeps going up!"

Another way to say something funny by employing exaggeration is to make a list of things that begin with related items and slowly veer off into unrelated, and increasingly absurd ones.

Here's another example:

"Few things feel so deeply painful to me, so despair-inducing, so utterly revolting, so fatally embarrassing, such as when I can't get quickly enough out of the way of the next customer when I'm packing up my groceries at the cash register."

The final way to employ exaggeration is to describe the mundane with needlessly intense adverbs and adjectives.

A good way to become better at employing this last method of exaggeration, is to develop a rich vocabulary, namely by reading a lot. It's no coincidence that the best comedians are known to be voracious readers (and often also writers). The more you read, the more examples you will also become able to call to mind that perfectly fit a situation where you can spontaneously insert a joke in. In other words, reading more helps with improvised jokes. As a neat side effect, developing these skills has even often made me appear more intelligent and knowledgeable than I actually am.

Puns

Puns (or word plays) aren't everyone's favorites. A well-delivered pun, however, will have me potentially laughing for a long time, even at random moments in the future, whenever I remember it.

Here's a dull example:

"I used to want to be a banker, but then I lost interest."

The joke should be self-explanatory.

The word play comes into play (pun intended) when you intentionally use words that have more than one meaning, of which one is related to your initial statement, and the other only tangentially so.

Misdirection

This method is best exemplified with the following joke that became popular in Finland:

"During the pandemic, a 2 meter safe distance was recommended in Finland. Now that the pandemic is over, Finns are happy to finally go back to keeping a 5 meter distance."

The joke should be self-explanatory.

Notice that in order for this method to work, you must begin the joke with the serious bit, and then end with the bit that is not serious. The misdirection only works if you appear as though you're going in the "right" direction at first.

This method is the prime example of the principle of "subversion of expectations", as you finish a joke by literally saying anything but what everyone around you is expecting you to say. This works best if you reuse statements that everyone is already familiar with, and tweak the second part to turn it into the punchline.

Irony

Two facts are ironic (and therefore, hopefully, funny), when they have an element in common that also somehow contrasts them. That contrast is the core of the joke.

Here's an example:

"Have you noticed how ironic it is that, in America, the colors red, white, and blue, represent freedom, unless they are flashing behind you?"

Of course, not everyone might agree that this particular example is "ironic", but you get the idea. It follows then that this method only works if you know for a fact that you and your audience share the same opinion on whether a fact is ironic or not.

Sarcasm

Literally anything that everyone around you is very obviously aware that you don't actually mean.

Here's an example:

"Lovely weather today!"

I use this one frequently, especially when it's torrentially pouring rain or the temperature is freezing cold outside. It's a favorite of mine, and since the weather in Latvia is nice about as often as a win at a slot machine, I get many chances to use it.

(I just employed irony in that statement that I emphasized.)

Self-deprecating humor

To finish this essay, I want to briefly touch on the topic of what's called "self-depricating humor".

I already mentioned that I don't believe that it's necessary to target individuals or groups to say something funny.

In fact, I believe that the best jokes are either made up of clever plays on words (such as in the examples that I gave), and/or directed at funny circumstances, particularly those that most people can relate to.

That last bit is the reason why comedians so often crack jokes about mundane, everyday activities: Almost anyone can relate to them.

I do believe that there is one exception to this rule though, and that is "self-deprecating" humor, meaning jokes that you aim at yourself, particularly in a manner that "deflates" your own value or "exposes" your "lack" of a particular skill.

Most people (unfortunately) like humor that humiliates others, but there just isn't a safe (inoffensive) way to tell such jokes unless... you make yourself the butt of the joke. In that case, no one can become offended, because you just offended yourself, technically (and we can't really offend ourselves when we know that we don't mean it).

Side note: Self-depricating humor is also an easy tool for quickly shutting down people who take pleasure from putting others down. They tend to have inflated egos, so they expect everyone else to be the same. When someone doesn't get defensive though (which, provoking that is what this group of people thrives on), and especially if their target uses self-depricating humor, then they usually don't know how to handle that and just awkwardly move on, usually (a very small group of people might actually take it even further, so be careful).

Now, there is another, small group of people that somewhat becomes offended at self-depricating humor, but never in a way that can actually hurt a relationship. They are those who have a hard time understanding sarcasm, while also being the type that is is either "performatively positive" or holds positivity as some kind of moral value. They will (for whatever reason), feel uncomfortable to hear you "put yourself down" (they assume), and give you a lecture about how "talking yourself down" supposedly affects your self-perception (and mental health) in a negative. If you identify someone in your audience who might fall into this category, then find some other method to crack a joke.

Finally, and like I said earlier, not everyone has the same sense of humor. In fact, some people just don't have a sense of humor at all (or at least, not a normal one), so nothing that you say or do will land with them. There are also people who are 100% incapable of understanding humor. Their brain works differently. They take every word to mean exactly what it does and nothing else (and sometimes even struggle to understand idioms). Therefore, it's OK to also be serious sometimes. You don't have to be making jokes all the time, and you don't have to be funny to everyone. Accept that some people will simply never "get you", and that's just how the cookie crumbles.